I did have some time to think. Plenty of time.
Surprisingly I don't miss you. I thought I would.
I mean what if I didn't say goodbye? Would I have told you what's going on?
Would I have told you how I feel? Would I have confided in you? Would I have been still afraid of your judgment or have been annoyed by your sympathy?
I think about all of that and say no, I would have not. I would have stayed silent. I would have kept it all hidden.
I would have thought about you and said "Just why are you still near yet so far away? Why am I afraid Of someone I consider a very close friend, nearly a best friend? Why didn't I break it off all these times I felt hurt or cried over what you've said or done?"
Again, you are right. You're incapable of being a friend this time around. Have you always been like that? Have I always been glorifying you? Why is it always -in my eyes- my fault? Were you really that toxic and I didn't recognize that?
No! You were right for that period. You showed me a lot. You were there for me when I needed a chance, a change, and a challenge. I doubt that I added anything to you but, I'm not wrong when I say we were close.
Sadly enough, we agreed on not wanting a Lover. I thought that we both knew what we wanted. We both knew that I'm the analytical part in this relationship and the one who can be straightforward and I stayed true to my words. Asking for respect for my emotions isn't something only lovers would do. I expect that from friends too. At least in response to my respect for them. Now I know I wasn't asking for too much.
You couldn't handle my downside, not that it's bad or dangerous. It's simply annoying and hard to deal with. Yet it was what broke us apart. You forgot that it existed for a second and whatever you did, you hit that part specifically, right where it hurts. It spiraled out of control. Your control. Don't tell me you wanted to "Discuss US" or "I realized that we became just colleagues". No, we didn't revert to being colleagues. I kicked you out of my life because you hurt me badly and I would have taken you back with a sincere apology yet, you found that too much to give, so you gave me one more bad memory to remember you by.
So, here are my final thoughts. I lied, I miss our good days.
We can't fix our loved ones yet we can respect their decisions.
When you know someone who is going through a lot, don't add to their misery, accept them with empathy. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
It's not wrong to ask for respect and care from your friends.
Last but not least, it's ok to break free from what is not serving you well.
This time. It's goodbye for good or until you grow up a bit and learn to appreciate what you once had because you lied when you said that it'd tear you apart breaking off what we once had. It clearly doesn't.
Unfiltered from my diary....
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