So this is what you are calling "Life"? The time that we are existing in through a long timeline. The only thing that won't wait! In a matter of fact , does anything wait? I guess not.
I have a bad habit of running through the movie first before watching it. If it pique my interest I watch it, if not, then I leave it. I do that couple of times till I delete those that don't pique my interest. (Very bad habit, I know.)
I wonder what would happen if we have the timeline of our life as a movie and we can watch it. All of it. Would you watch? Would I watch it? If I did, would I treat it like a normal movie? If I didn't know that this is my life and ran through it. What would happen if I didn't like it? What would happen if I knew that this is my life? I can't just delete it or give it back and ask for a new one, can I? So, is it better that the future is unknown and most of the past I can't remember? What about now? Is what I am feeling now is the thing I am supposed to feel? Is it really written in stone and I have no power over it? Do I have no hand to change or reshape it? Or is it even that my every thought, dilemma and decision are predicted in those few lines on that stone?
Would you like to know how I'm imagining that stone like? Just for this second!
Imagine with me a very very huge canvas. Zoom in, then put a dot in the very middle. The ink bleeds around that dot, then it continues to bleed and bleed until it meets another bleeding from another dot in each and every direction. Then those ones meet another ones and so on.
Only then, you are forced to zoom out to see the bigger picture until the whole canvas is full and you can no longer spot the dot that we put together in the beginning.
That dot is you and your life revolves around you. That's why you are in the middle. When in a matter of fact there is no middle in that canvas because we are looking at only a second. This second, on a very long huge timeline, is a very tiny square in an infinite canvas. You can't see its' beginning and you can't determine which way is the ending.
Back to the one dot we placed together. The bleeding of the ink is the actions, your actions and surprise surprise, you are not alone! The bleeding intersection is your actions interact with the action of others and every decision you make affects and is under the effect of others. Our life timeline is like a huge spiderweb. You can't find an intersection hanging alone. Even your decision not to interact with anyone that day or this instant affects that web in a way or another. You can only see yourself from your respective. Only when you zoom out, you can see the bigger picture. The one which doesn't revolve around you. The one which you know that you are a small tiny dot that isn't visible from where you are looking now but you know it's there, just because you still exist in the land of living.
Back to this moment, back to where I see that I'm the center of my life. I hate what I am feeling right now. Anger, envy, jealousy, a little bit of hate and resentment, longing, vulnerability, useless and isolated. Not sure even if I had a glimpse of the future and it's reassuringly good that I'd feel better. My problem isn't the future. It is the present. If every single thing is written then what I'm feeling right now is an essential part I have to live, in order to go to the next point in my life and if I didn't get through it, I will have to live the same dot with the same shape and the same bleeding in every canvas of my life for as long as it takes and I don't like that. If everything is already written and I can't change it then I will live through my uncertainty with colors. What's written is written yet it is still unknown. Then my decision of changing colors is written too. Therefore I will embarrass what is already written with grace and I'll be trying to replace those bad feelings with some better ones to have a better-looking canvas I am it's center.
Unfiltered from my diary....
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